March 2019

Engineers on a Train

Three engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts walking through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory. The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please."

At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.

As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket!
After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.

One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."

jokes on mechanical engineers

Blind Firemen

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

A Group of Hunters

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each take turns to try and bag it.

The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineer's pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

The statistician leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”

Engineer's Dream Salary

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked the young engineer fresh out of university, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Manager said, "Well, what would you say to a package of $200,000 a year, 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Mercedes?"

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you joking?"

And the HR Manager said, "Of course, ...but you started it."

Different Perspectives

A Mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

A Misunderstanding

Customer: Do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs?

Sales Rep: For what?

Customer: No, two.

Sales Rep: Two what?

Customer: Yes.

Sales Rep: No.

The Most Brilliant Joke Ever Written

One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to go first. As he counted, Pascal ran away scrambling to find a great hiding place. Giddily, he squeezed into a crawl space sure that he would win this time as this was his best hiding spot to date and Newton surely wouldn't find an equal. Newton on the other hand, stood right in front of Einstein, pulled out a piece of chalk and drew a box on the ground of roughly 1x1 meters. Once this was completed, he sat down neatly inside the box and waited for Einstein to finish counting. When Einstein opened his eyes, he of course saw Newton and with a bit of disappointment said “I found you Newton, you lose”... but Newton replied, “On the contrary, you are looking at one Newton over a square meter... Pascal loses!”

Two antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.

jokes on software engineer

What's the difference between an introverted and an extroverted engineer?

An introverted engineer looks at his shoes when he's talking to you, an extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.

Two mixing chambers are working in a factory, one says to the other "You are so efficient! How do you do it?" The other mixer turns to him and says "I don't know, I'm baffled."

funny engineer memes

One of these things is not the other. A frozen pizza, a bachelor's degree in engineering, and a doctorate in conceptual mathematics.

A frozen pizza and an engineer can both feed a family of 4.

Engineers Jokes

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Engineering Jokes

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given anything they want to measure it, and have all the time they need.

The mathematician pulls out a measuring tape and records the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiply by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume.

The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.00000 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball, and measures the displacement to six significant figures.

And the engineer? He writes down the serial number of the ball, and looks it up.

engineering joke pictures

Jokes on Engineers

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.